The personal development industry gets a bad rap.
In many ways, that’s unfair.
So many people I meet who are happy and prosperous credit self-help books, seminars, and programs as integral to where they are.
Most people underestimate just how far self-help principles and techniques have come. Just as technology has radically advanced, we now have extraordinary tools to move minds. It blows most people away to discover that there are tools to quickly and reliably eliminate a phobia. Or that’s it’s possible for someone to become disgusted by junk food they were addicted to just a few minutes ago.
Self-help has made a radical difference in my life. I was so uncertain, self-conscious, socially awkward, and nervous. Rather than living my life, I had a running commentary of watching myself being lived.
I now feel much more in charge of my life and my decisions. I feel alive. I’m enjoying life rather than always being self-aware and self-conscious. And I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that I help people.
It’s a crime that these tools aren’t better known.
Still, is the bad rap, at least in part, self-inflicted?
My Uncle George says he knows a lot of people who go to seminars, but they’re no better off afterward.
I counter by saying I’m sure that’s true, but are they using what they learned?
You wouldn’t say, “Exercise doesn’t work. I went to a fitness trainer, but I’m still fat and out of shape,” if you didn’t follow through on what the trainer said.
You wouldn’t blame a financial planner for being poor if you didn’t follow their advice.
Yet people have higher expectations and demands in the personal development world.
But I also believe my uncle makes a good point.
Examples of how the industry can be full of shit
I’ll show you some examples of practices that give the personal development industry a bad name.
Showcasing how amazing the trainer is rather than recognizing the power of their students and clients
There’s a video of a well-known mindset trainer helping an audience member get past pining over his ex-girlfriend. It’s an impressive and instructive demo of how communicating with the subconscious can produce blindingly fast change.
After working his magic, the trainer asks what happens when you think about the memory of your ex now? Can you make yourself feel bad? The guy goes to find the pain, looks bewildered because it’s no longer there, and says no with a shocked look.
The trainer lifts his finger to his tongue, then to the air, and makes a hissing tssssss sound as if to show he’s so hot steam comes off him.
It’s a funny joke, and the audience laughs in amazement at what they just witnessed.
But in my opinion, that trainer just missed an opportunity for generative change.
By spotlighting how great and powerful he is, the trainer takes the spotlight away from how powerful the client is.
The joke communicates to the audience – and the client – that the trainer used his powers to change the demo subject. What is implied without words is that the demo subject was the passive recipient of the trainer’s magic.
This wordless communication may increase the likelihood that the change sticks. After all, the client may later think, this great and powerful wizard just did this change to me in front of all these people. So, it’s got to work.
But this client might also think that he needs the trainer for further change.
If I were doing the demo, I might say, “Look what you just did. And that took you how long? Just a few minutes. Just by playing with some images in your mind. And you’ve had this problem for how long?”
“If you can do this in only a few minutes, imagine what else might be possible for you … that you used to think was impossible. And if that’s also possible … I wonder what else might be. Maybe things you haven’t even thought of yet. But can expect to discover … and surprise and delight you.”
A suggestion like this can significantly increase the chance that the change will be generative, that one change will cause another and another.
And this type of suggestion can be the beginning of the client believing in themselves more and challenging themselves to see what else they can do.
Implying that one seminar or one program will change everything
Yes, my uncle was being unfair to complain that one seminar didn’t permanently change the lives of his friends when they were the ones who didn’t follow through.
But given the hype you sometimes see, it’s reasonable that he might expect that.
So much marketing in this industry promises the world.
The truth is one seminar will not change everything forever. One seminar can serve as the catalyst – the inspiration – to make long-term changes that stack in a positive direction. But it’s the participant in the seminar who’s doing the stacking.
It’s just harder to say that and still sell tickets to an event.
Framing things for the benefit of the student when they're really for the benefit of the company
There are many examples of selling what’s best for the company as if it were for the students’ benefit.
For example, some companies say write a testimonial for us because when you make a public declaration, it confirms to yourself how you’ve changed. Bullshit. You want a testimonial because it’s good for your business, and this is how you can sell me on doing it.
There’s nothing wrong with asking for what you want. There’s certainly nothing wrong with asking when what’s requested is genuinely a win for all involved.
But there’s something slimy about hiding your true intentions rather than being open.
Implying that the healing modality you teach can fix anything for anyone all the time
Claiming that anything will work for everyone all the time is a lie. That’s just marketing; it’s not reality.
I’ll give you an example. There’s a process to help people overcome phobias that has become legendary. The phobia process makes an impressive demo to showcase how fast change can happen. It wows an audience, so trainers often do it in introductory personal development seminars.
Seeing someone go from freaking out over a picture of a snake to being completely calm when holding one is both entertaining and convincing.
This is all good stuff. But some presenters will imply that if you can make a change this dramatic this fast, then any change is possible for anyone.
The truth is phobias are neurologically isolated. A phobic reaction is dramatic, but it’s not usually associated with many other triggers in the brain. So, it can be easier to change quickly than some other issues.
Rather than making grandiose claims, I admire the attitude of Dr. Milton Erickson, the most renowned hypnotherapist of the 20th century and a pioneer of human change.
When a patient would ask Dr. Erickson if he could change them, Erickson would prefer curiosity to bombast.
Even if he had helped hundreds of patients with a similar problem, he might say, “I don’t know. I’ve never worked with you before. But I am curious what you’re capable of … when you connect with wisdom within yourself … and get curious … about what might be possible for you … when you learn to begin to think differently.”
If this attitude of openness, curiosity, and belief in the client’s power was good enough for Dr. Erickson, it’s good enough for me.
Bye now
This one is specific but representative.
I used to study at a training center that ended their voicemail message with, “bye now.”
Bye now, in this context, is an example of what’s called an embedded command. It’s a command hidden inside the sentence. “Bye now” means bye now, but it also means “buy now.” And the subconscious mind interprets it both ways.
This is eye-rolling manipulative language. Anytime you’re trying to insert something under the radar that plays to your benefit, it’s distasteful and may also be unethical.
Manipulation
Speaking of manipulation, I’ve heard many trainers say that manipulation is fine. That all communication is manipulation.
These trainers might follow up by asking what the difference between influence and manipulation is. They’d say the only difference between influence and manipulation is intent. What matters is your intent.
Fair enough, but there are a couple of things wrong with this, in my opinion.
First, who would admit they enjoy being manipulated?
The word has a negative connotation for most people. Webster’s dictionary defines manipulation as “to control or play upon by artful, unfair, or insidious means, especially to one’s advantage.” I don’t know about you, but I’m not exactly eager to be played upon by insidious means for someone’s advantage.
Second, and I think this is the more critical point, describing manipulation as the same as influence misses a golden opportunity to explore ethics in change work.
When you conflate manipulation and influence, you destroy the distinction between the two. And where you have distinctions, you have choice.
The work we do should be about adding choice, not taking it away.
I believe it’s good to think deeply about when you’re influencing and when you’re manipulating. It’s good to be clear about when it’s right to persuade and under what conditions it might even be right to manipulate another person.
When you learn the principles of transformation, when you understand the language of the subconscious mind, you become more powerful. I believe it is our responsibility to become wiser, more nuanced, and more ethical as we become more influential and more powerful.
Conflating manipulation with influence might subtly imply that any distinctions between the two can be glossed over and pushed aside.
As they say in Spiderman, with great power comes great responsibility. In my opinion, we should take the power that comes with transformation skills very seriously.
By no means do these criticisms apply to everyone in the industry. Many high-integrity trainers do not put hype over substance.
And many are both solid trainers and put a premium on their status.
But regardless of what others may have done, I intend to stand for something different.
